Living Within The Shadows...

Carol's new regime of chemo was pretty uneventful for the most part. She felt a little bad last Saturday, but was up and around with family most of the day. She even went to a couples shower with me that evening (and I must say looked very radiant indeed). Sunday was similar, though she did nap more. Her biggest complaint is bone pain early one, which has now subsided.

We're striving to operate a normal (okay, what is normal) family life in our household. Carol strives to keep a scarf on her head when the doorbell rings. Mary & Anna strive to be the typical 11 and 9 year old you would expect, and I... I try to be the husband, and father I'm expected to be during times like this.

Knowing we all have certain expectations in and out of the household - I must say we are really beginning to "get" the routine on the most part. The girls still beg their mom to do things for them when they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I guess hard habits are hard to break when you've been spoiled so long like we have. Carol's learning to say "no" a lot more which is a big step in the right direction for her... since you all know she has a terrific servant heart.

Matter of fact, I think the routine is almost too boring in some sense. It's allowing her to focus on the disease more, the limitations it presents, and how she's not like everyone else right now. I sense some boredom mixed with a little sadness, or depression maybe...knowing the journey ahead.

I'm hoping and praying as the weather breaks the sun will lift her spirits, and she can do a little gardening outside. I'm sure the invites to the ladies gathering will begin to increase as the word gets out that she's allowed to emerge from solitude and be around others.

What you discover on these journey's of healing is... in the beginning you are so loved, cared for and embraced by such giving and grace... that in times "chaos of life" tempers your mind wonders if anyone still knows your sick; "do they know I want to chat, or an invite me to anywhere?" Of course we all know those random thoughts are coming from the solitude and normalcy that begins to envelope around a long-term process to heal. But one can't help but wonder... and ponder, and wonder some more until healthy distractions arrive.

Though this is my interpretation as a husband, and Chief Care Giver of one who is fully engaged in this journey hour-by-hour, day-by-day... it has prompted me to to be alert and very cautious of routine. Routine can breed normalcy and that brings a sense that all is well, and no special attention is needed. I am reminding myself daily that there is someone in my life who needs that extra "hello how are you?" hug, encouraging word and to be brought back into the chaos we call life.

I believe I have wrapped my dear wife in a package labeled, "Handle With Care" which means to be set aside and left alone instead of letting her express her wants, desires and expectations. The kids are afraid to touch, family is uncertain and friends are wondering as well. Can we, will we, is it okay? All these questions come to mind when you see a dear person in your life go through such a harsh and nearly unbearable journey towards healing.

Therefore I'm closing with this... I am removing the label, allowing the package to unwrap itself and be who she wants to be, and when she wants to be our Carol. I know she's standing right now in the kitchen with her arms open desiring a hug, a genuine conversation, and a general feeling of hey... I'm one of the gang again.

I love you Carol... you're one of my gang, the anchor to our clan... the keeper of all that is important to our family. I promise I'll do better at letting you be you - and will guard myself from loosing my sense of awareness that; extra hugs, conversations, and compassion is, and will always be... needed. Your loving husband, - Eric